Since my Momma passed away, I've felt a bit lost. In some form or fashion, I helped her after she had a heart attack in 2011. Not only her Alzheimer's and death, but there's another situation that I've struggled with for several years. All of that has taken a toll on me physically and emotionally and I told my daughter and a good friend recently that I feel like I'm crawling into myself. I have a hard time dealing with people. I know that sounds terrible. Part of it is my personality because I'm very much an introvert and an overthinker, but most of it is just wanting to hide from the realities that I have to face. I'm not writing for any amount of sympathy.....
I'm just sharing my heart and trying to be transparent and truly hope it'll in some way help someone else who might stumble on these words and take a few minutes to read.
I'd had a good friend on my mind for a few days and SONday afternoon I sent her a text just checking on her. She texted me back and told me to call her when I had a chance. Y'all, I don't like to even admit this, but I couldn't even make myself call her. That's just how bad I've gotten. I don't feel like it's depression - it's just an overwhelming feeling of rejection and heartache and probably other emotions that I'm not even able to identify. So, before I knew it, my phone was ringing and it was my friend calling me. I know that this conversation was totally ordained by God because she was a huge source of encouragement to me in so many things that she said, scripture she shared, and just her kindness. But, one thing that she said to me that stood out was this....
"Your small group might not be sitting in chairs".
She wanted to know about my blogging and if I was going to start it back and she shared that she knew how many it had touched when I blogged regularly. I don't share that for any kind of praise, please know that, because anything I've ever shared was not intended to brag, but for God to get the glory....
to share something He'd done in my life.
Are you asking where this is leading?
One thing is that when God nudges, act, even if it's just a text because it might lead to even more. He knows our hearts and what we need exactly when we need it. If we've prayed about something and feel we're making the right decision, but God very surprisingly and unexpectedly closes the door, don't try to force it open. Take Him at His word and know He's keeping us out for a reason. It might hurt at first, but He knows best and we may or may not ever understand.
It's taken me a couple of days to wrap my head around how to word this and I sincerely hope it makes sense and comes across like I'm intending. I felt a load lifted after talking to my friend and was so, so appreciative of her letting me know that maybe I do have something to offer!
Happy, happy Wednesday!