About a week ago I shared a very heart-filled wordy post talking about my depression. I closed the comments on that post, but received several e-mails from those who read it and many who saw themselves in what God allowed me to share. One of the comments, though, wasn't so much about the reader's own battle with depression as much as it was a gentle prod asking me a question regarding forgiveness. I know the Holy Spirit led this lady to send the e-mail and there was a time in my life that I would have allowed it to anger me, taking it as a "slap in the face", so to speak. This sweet lady meant nothing of the kind.....
she was only asking me a question because it was something she had experienced herself.
Her question was a very simple one.....
"Do you have anyone to forgive?"
I've thought about that question and pondered on it. As a matter of fact sometime before she sent me that e-mail, I had prayed asking God to show me people I needed to forgive. I truly felt in my heart that I had forgiven those that I thought had wronged me. (maybe a later post on the topic of only being wronged based on our own "stinking thinking").
But, then as I sat and did my devotions one morning I felt in my Spirit that there was one person I knew I hadn't forgiven. This person tried desperately to do what was right, to not wrong anybody, to be the best she could be, but still it was NEVER good enough. She beat herself up over every little thing and just couldn't seem to let go of her past, bringing up things that had happened so very long ago that she knew God had already thrown into the depths of the ocean (Micah 7:19). She was so full of self-condemnation that she knew was wrong but still couldn't rid herself of.
This person that I had refused to forgive was.....
ME.
Then, a few days later I saw the little sign at the beginning of this post and realized that was meant for me, too. For oh, so long I've watered the wrong things in my life. I've kept alive those feelings of self-condemnation, nurturing them and allowing them to grow deep roots. Prayerfully I'm digging up those roots. It might take me awhile to get them all out of my heart and mind and there will probably always be "sprouts"......
but I know He's doing a work in my heart about forgiveness.
I have a cousin who also battles depression, and as a totally God-thing, he sent me a text last Thursday evening. I had never shared my battle with depression with him, but he knew. I sent him a text one morning this week and part of it read simply....
"Be kinder to yourself".
So, that's what I'm going to try to do each day, and I know it's going to take time and effort and the Lord's help.....
but I want to be kinder to Deb.
God thinks she's worth it and who am I to argue with Him?
Breathing in Grace,
Thank you, precious reader for listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit to ask me that very hard question.
I truly appreciate it!!!